Fear of Humanity

This morning, I began reflecting on the first chapter of Matthew. I had started reading this passage a few years ago in college, and came to a grinding halt when I arrived at the 25th verse:

"but knew her not until she had borne a son; and he called his name Jesus."

What did this mean?

To me it meant that Mary had sex with Joseph, in their time together after the birth of the Messiah. This was the logical answer, and to me it greatly increased my attraction to the Gospel. If in fact this was true, then that was something I could more deeply relate my humanity too.

In today's meditation on the passage, I considered that idea again - well, if Christ entered into the world in this way, then none of who He is, is lost, even if Mary did have relations with Joseph after the birth of Christ. In Jesus, Mary is always a virgin - before, during, and after his birth. How does this contradict teaching?

I think what we often see and what happens today, especially within the Church, is a sense of inflicted fear on the sense of our human nature. God Himself is God. He existed for a purpose here, to save us from our sins, and not only that but to give us life to the fullest. He consecrated sex through in the sacrament of marriage, and entered fully into our humanity.

When I think of my own desire to love, to procreate, and reproduce, I feel it as a natural defining element of who I am, and when I think this of this as a good thing and not something untouchable, I rejoice, grow more humble, and understand my purpose better.

When I think about the pushing of Mary's perpetual virginity, saying that she was married to Joseph and that they lived together, but never engaged in the act, it makes me feel ashamed of my nature, which is not of God, for he came to redeem my nature and not condemn it.

I have this image in my mind of Christ, existing in an old, rustic Jerusalem home, with dark walls, existing as a young man, surrounded by his family. Joseph, His Earthly father, has raised him up in the craft. His younger brothers and sisters, and maybe those of a prior marriage of Joseph have looked to him, and respected him as a part of their family, an honored older brother, yet known to be set apart. Yet in this family function, he was obedient to the rules. He played his part in pulling the strings that were assigned to him in the operation of a family. He fit in and He stood out. He was who He was, and gave greater meaning and depth to human existence as we understood it.

I mean, this is more powerful for me, and calls me to greater self-identification, greater sacrifice, and greater commitment to follow someone Who was like me, grew up around me, and participated in my experience. On the contrary, trying to imagine a setting of a little house, where Jesus was the only son, Joseph was not allowed to go intimately into Mary, and imagine a sterile atmosphere, or rather one that was untouchable, seems like an overly-idealistic tale, that seems make believe. I feel like I have spent years of my life, trying to convince myself of that, when in true humility, it was never something I could conceive, and didn't seem real in my mind.

Would God support that? Would God support the belief of something that after years has remained a block on the heart, and does not bring you closer to, but farther away from Him?

I feel like the Church lives in this lie about humanity. I feel like they're so scared of getting dirty, they're so scared of sweat and blood, and so they make up these lies or stories that convince people to live in fear of the truth, fear of the human experience. It is a tactic of control that we see that when one fears themself, they try to inflict fear on others. What is it that Christ taught us though – to not fear death! To not fear the cross! To not fear discomfort! To not fear our bodies, because he has redeemed them, but rather to train them and discipline them so that they can accomplish the task for which they were made – to love and be loved.

So, if you have noticed in this reflection, I have not made definitive statements, but asked questions and shared feelings. May God be the judge of me and guide me, and answer these questions for me as he continues to guide me along my path.